Week 26! I'm a Bitch!

It's week 26 and I'm a complete bitch. My hormones are raging and everyone is frustrated with me and thinks I'm being mean. It's hard to control my emotions and I'm not handling myself well. I'm sorry if I'm a complete asshole to you. It's unintentional. In other news, the baby is the size of a head of iceberg lettuce!

105 DEGREE HEAT INDEX

I have never felt this repulsive in my entire life. Yesterday I was informed that my "whale tail" left sweat marks on my dress and was told to air dry it. Whale Tail, if you're not familiar, is the thong outline. It's mother effing hot. And not just because I'm pregnant. It's because it's mother effing hot. Like really hot. Like if I wanted this heat I'd move to Nevada. And it's not even enjoyable like Mexico where I can slip my toes in the pool. No, there's a commute and a full day of work involved. Repulsive. I want pool day.

LAST NIGHT'S DINNER = SRIRACHA MAC N CHEESE. NUFF SAID.

25 WEEKS!!!!!

TOTAL SPAZ

So this heat is just amazing. We all know that. But guess what's even more amazing. No really, guess. BEING IN SPASM. Spasm is just about the rudest thing to do to a pregnant woman. Why? Because we can't take anti-inflammatories. I slipped in Shoprite *oh you know I'm fillin out paperwork* and now my back has been in spasm for over a week. I've iced, I've heated, I've jacuzzi'd - but all I want is a mother effing Motrin. This heat is not helping either. With temps of 80-90 errrthang is swollen and my back is sending lightening rod bolts up my hip and down my leg. It's not sciatica, I know because I did a slow motion Mortal Kombat lunge and my flip flop embraced the wet puddle in the Shoprite freezer aisle. Miserable.

SO SHOULD I PUT THE BEN AND JERRY'S DOWN?

Here are the FACTS of weight gain: on average, women gain 7.5 pounds for the baby, 1.5 pounds for the placenta, 2 pounds for the amniotic fluid, 2 pounds for uterine enlargement, 2 pounds for breast tissue, 2 pounds for blood volume, 4 pounds of fluid in maternal tissue, and 7 pounds of maternal fat stores. This my ladies, makes for an average total of 30 pounds! Yes, 30 pounds – total. DANG!

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Why aren't hemorrhoids called assterhoids? You're welcome.