WARNING: TOTAL BITCHFEST.

A few days shy of 19 weeks it's finally legit. I threw five pairs of jeans at the wall, none of which fit, and my leggings show a FUPA like you wouldn't believe. I'm officially showing. I pee every ten minutes, like clockwork and I feel our little gymnast or hockey player everytime I eat. It's like YO MA WATTUP FEED ME. Ok, that was more like a ghetto version of the plant from Little Shop of Horrors. I think we're over Oreos for the moment, and now we're onto tart things like super sour juices and lemon bars. I swear, food cravings are so ADHD, one night it's eggs for dinner the next night I'm smelling Chinese food everywhere I turn. Most recently I've become one with my inner beast. Raging hormones made me almost pop my dogs head off last night for barking for over three hours straight. Not hormones like I watched The Notebook five times and I cry until my face is swollen, raging hormones like Angelina Jolie style. Ass kicking murderfest. I should probably call my doctor. I swear I won't harm anyone during the making of this blog, but I have a new desire to listen to Rage Against the Machine. In addition to everything I've been bitching about, it's 90 degrees in NYC, which is offensively rude. Trying to sleep in a bra while your big tots are sweating is not sexy. I literally stripped down nude last night and felt the call of the ocean. I legit felt like a sea lion tanning on a rock. I quickly put my clothes back on (so sorry for the visual!) With that being said, it's pretty awesome that people are starting to recognize the belly. Occasionally, someone gets handy and reaches towards the belly without asking, but I don't mind. I've been dreaming about this my whole life. My coworkers are making me retire my heels soon, which is a huge issue for me. I'm just shy of 5'1'' and without my espadrilles and platform shoes I literally look 16 and pregnant. I'm already riding low to the ground so wearing heels is allowing me to hold on to dear life for my last remains of sexiness. Three days til our big sonogram where we COULD find out the sex, and count all those fingers and toes. SO COOL.

LIFE!

OMG! I felt life! This is wild! After a steak dinner (yup, bye bye vegetarianism) I was relaxing and felt this WHOOOOOOSH across my belly. Did I swallow a fish? What it going on. It's very different than the popcorn feeling I'd been having all week. NO, this was different. This was legit a "yo wattup Mom?!?!?!" Since then, I've been feeling it about twice a day. It's kind of awesome (terrifying).

Week 17: Time to feel the baby move

Welllll this is the freaky part. Waiting to feel the baby move. It's supposed to happen in the next two weeks and I'm absolutely terrified. I hear it feels like a fish swimming inside of you, or popcorn popping, or butterflies. I don't know how to differentiate anything but gas at the moment, and I don't want to scream out loud when it happens. When will it be? During a meeting with my president? On the bus home? In the bath? AH! Can't wait.

It's not called "FAT" // watch it, the fetus can hear.

This was the title of the newsletter I got this morning for Week 16. "It's not called FAT" - it's an article for husbands to know how not to talk to their wives. Not called fat? Yes it is. It's called uncontrollable eating, and farting and snoring. It's called disgusting pig. Something happens between months 3 and 4 where your waist is like eh fuck it, your thighs start creating protection potholes (to catch falling crumbs) and your arms get batwings to fly away when you can't take it anymore. My body's changing. It's weird. And I have no control over it. Which is so hard. Also, my kid can hear. That's insane. And I didn't even realize it until I spent a morning cursing in NYC traffic. Meet mom, the pottymouth from NJ who has zero patience in Lincoln Tunnel traffic. So we readjusted. We talk sweetly to each other, we sing, we talk to "Sprinks" (short for Sprinkle, it was the size of a sprinkle when we found out we were preggers). I love Spring weather - it's moody, like me. It's freezing and windy and rainy, absolutely perfect for someone who hates to sweat.

MAT LEAVE

For all preggos out there - you need to read this article STAT

3D SONOGRAM = CREEPY

Listen, there is nothing more exciting than seeing your little munchkin on tv - dancin and waving around and already showing off. But these 3D Ultrasounds? CREEPY. It looks like an alien seahorse! and it's like YELLOW. No, can't do it. Can't see it. I like the nice fuzzy black and white ones that are so adorable and you can see the profile of the baby and ohh and ahh at it, rather than eesh and ahh! at it. 3D is super futuristic creeparonie.

We're Preggers...like super preggers.

It's been just shy of 4 months and I've had to keep a secret, like a really really big one. It's unbelievably difficult to be working in an industry that's all about working late, going to drinks with coworkers and taking business meetings all hours of the day when you'd rather be sleeping, in just underwear and hugging the toilet bowl. Well, we're preggers. And it's time to get down to business. The pains, aches, headaches, farting, cramping, moodiness, Oreo binges and caffeine crying is totally worth it, right? YES. After hearing the heartbeat of your little one that's not too far away from entering the world, it puts everything into perspective. We are one week away from our little "Sprinkle" being able to hear, and that's making my musician brother's mind blow. Those two little blue lines changed our world. I got home from work at 1a and felt totally different I knew something was up. I ripped open that stick and peed my heart out on it. Almost instantly the two lines began to form and I just started giggling. Legit, like an immature child. Like, me, I'm about to tell my husband that we're pregnant? Absolutely not, it's almost 2a and I'm not doing that to him. He won't even comprehend. Man is tired! So what to do? Obviously, wake up your mom. I call mom and we giggle for another hour while I'm hiding in the basement. Really, like the most immature thing in the world. I spend the evening staring at my husband, waiting for him to open his eyes. At 6:00a when the alarm goes off he wakes up and is shocked to see me staring at me. Like, could I be any creepier? Well no, I can't. I take the pee stick and put it on his head. He's like "really? this is how you're telling me?" Sure, I could have ducked out of work early and made him a beautiful candlelit dinner and all that jazz, but whatever, I'm impulsive. So there it is. We're makin a babers. It's the size of a navel orange today. I felt quickening last week. It felt like I was on a speed bump in slow motion. I even made the "nooooo" face bc I thought I was on a roller coaster for a second. I mean, it was pretty dope. So what's pregnancy been like? Um, well, take construction on a street at 4a when you're trying to sleep (LOTS OF JACKHAMMERS) and that's what it's like inside my head at all times. I have a high pain tolerance in general, but headaches are so obnoxious. I puke up just about every mean - my hubby won't let us go to restaurants anymore because I'm just wasting our money (JK) No really though, it's like the Exorcist, I projectile vomit. It's funny. I laugh. I'm now getting these round ligament pains, it's sharp stabbing pains, like mini men jabbing at your ovaries. Think your period cramps but like intense short amounts of time. I can't complain THAT much. My husband has been absolutely incredible. He smiles kindly as I eat a full bag of Oreos and pauses our favorite tv shows when I run to the bathroom. He just put together a new bed for us because my "nesting" or "psychosis" whichever you want to call it, has just made me want to redo the bedroom. And I don't mean like cute redecorating, I mean full on new room. I can't stand the room. I wake up and want to cry. Bless my man for being so patient and understanding. Rockstar.