TOTAL SPAZ

So this heat is just amazing. We all know that. But guess what's even more amazing. No really, guess. BEING IN SPASM. Spasm is just about the rudest thing to do to a pregnant woman. Why? Because we can't take anti-inflammatories. I slipped in Shoprite *oh you know I'm fillin out paperwork* and now my back has been in spasm for over a week. I've iced, I've heated, I've jacuzzi'd - but all I want is a mother effing Motrin. This heat is not helping either. With temps of 80-90 errrthang is swollen and my back is sending lightening rod bolts up my hip and down my leg. It's not sciatica, I know because I did a slow motion Mortal Kombat lunge and my flip flop embraced the wet puddle in the Shoprite freezer aisle. Miserable.

SO SHOULD I PUT THE BEN AND JERRY'S DOWN?

Here are the FACTS of weight gain: on average, women gain 7.5 pounds for the baby, 1.5 pounds for the placenta, 2 pounds for the amniotic fluid, 2 pounds for uterine enlargement, 2 pounds for breast tissue, 2 pounds for blood volume, 4 pounds of fluid in maternal tissue, and 7 pounds of maternal fat stores. This my ladies, makes for an average total of 30 pounds! Yes, 30 pounds – total. DANG!

THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Why aren't hemorrhoids called assterhoids? You're welcome.

PROTEIN = SUPERHERO

I decided to be healthy today for lunch and got an egg white wrap - it was from this place called FUEL which is amazing, but they give you 6 egg whites in your wrap, which is like...aggressive. Anyway, it's been an hour since I ate it and I literally have such a burst of energy and I'm fine and happy and cheery and BOOM - sucker punch to the gut. I have been sitting here in pain for the last 10 minutes straight as my child decides to practice for UFC fights inside my body. Like did the protein give him or her super powers? I feel like freakin Bella in Twilight with Renesmee trying to bust out Holy hell.

You KNOW You're Pregnant When....

You are eating a box of cereal while in the bath, and that's not even the sad part. It's when one Quaker Oats Square falls in and you take a few seconds to decide whether or not it's acceptable to eat.

HOLY HEAT WAVE

Oh I don't do summer. Like, no no no I do not do summer. I hate it. I think it's the dumbest season. I hate sweating. I hate being hot. I hate only eating fruit and yogurt because anything else will make you balloon up. But entering my 6th month of pregnancy with this PSYCHOTIC WEATHER SITUATION? OH I'M NOT HAPPY. No no no no no. I am NOT a happy camper. Commuting to NYC from NJ in 90 degree weather while pregnant is just about the shittiest you can ever feel. Especially because the escalators are broken. So today, in my too small for me, just give it up and wear maternity clothes body - I hiked up a broken escalator, FULL ON wedgie AND camel toe up to a SHIT STORM of human traffic. The line weaves in and out five times over with sweaty, disgusting bodies who are sticky and smell like armpits. Add to that my heightened sense of smell and easily irritated demeanor? Oh no no no no no.

23.5 weeks!

Baby is ON THE MOVE! Elbows, knees, rolling - definitely on a schedule though. I usually get lots of movement right in the middle of an important meeting :) Love it.