The Reality of Going Back to Work...

Here I sit, 20 days before I go back to work from my Maternity Leave. 20 days to soak up my 9 week old baby girl before it’s back to the hustle and bustle of Manhattan, the rude baristas, the pushy commuters and the long hours. Ten to twelve weeks. That’s how long we get in America to have hands on 24/7 with our babies before we leave them in someone else’s arms for ten hours or more a day. I sit here staring at her with a lump in my throat and a pang in my stomach, was it worth it? What was the point of the top communication school in the country; to bust my ass in high school to get in, and bust my ass in college to maintain a high GPA? Was it to get the internships where I work with celebrities, famous puppets and travel for the Olympics? What was the point of the six years I’ve dedicated to my company, clocking in the most insane hours, helping create amazing television shows and having a work ethic that is envied; when all I want to do is find a work situation that allows me to apply myself, while also do the job I’ve always wanted, mom. I don’t want to give it up; I’ve worked too hard. I’m too passionate about what I do. But how can I leave this new human who fills my entire being and has brought meaning to my life? I work for a company that prides itself on being in the top 100 companies for working moms. They offer a room for women to pump in (you must find time on the schedule) and have an emergency daycare that you can use up to 10 times. The website even states that 90% of employees use a flextime schedule and 85% of employees telecommute. When I had this conversation with my bosses, neither were an option. I’m being granted a one day a week telecommute for three months to honor a deal I struck with my previous boss before I left for MAT and survived a huge round of layoffs. That doesn’t work for me. I would have fought for a higher salary for my promotion and considered other opportunities while pregnant. I have an hour and a half commute door to door both ways from where I live. I’m also reporting into LA based teams – and can’t be expected to stay at the office until it’s past her bedtime (which I’ll probably miss anyway). I’ve even worked my entire maternity leave, which was my decision. I didn’t want to miss a beat. And I was able to manage; I am able to manage. I’ve missed two phone calls in three months, and it was to interview nannies. In this age of technology, there needs to be some flexibility. I take my work home with me every night. I sleep next to my phone and never leave an email unanswered. There needs to be a balance. I will never miss a concert, ballet recital or soccer game. I don’t care how many times I’m threatened to be fired. 9 weeks. How can she have been inside my body for 9 months and this is all the time I get with her? She’s just starting to recognize my songs, she’s just starting to smile at her daddy, she’s just starting to trust us. She’s just getting to know us. It's just not fair.